Birthday Suits
Do birthdays not matter to men?
I saw this question recently and it really piqued my interest.
My answer to it is an unhesitating and unequivocal yes. I could not identify the birthday of a single one of my friends, even those of 30 years duration. I would be immensely surprised if any of them could identify mine. I don’t send them cards and gifts and they are dutiful about reciprocating in kind. My assumption is/was that this is true for many men, perhaps even most.
But then I paused for thought. Because when you assume you make an ass out of u and me. Perhaps I’m just a terrible friend. Perhaps my mates are also terrible friends. Or perhaps this is just not important to the servicing and nurturing of our friendships. When you’re a kid birthdays are a big deal. And there is something very sad about the family that can’t, won’t or doesn’t make a lot of fuss about 1-10 and at least some fuss about 11-21.
Like many children of the 80s Smartie Artie was a regular visitor to our house and it was only surprisingly recently that I realised that there many manifestations of Smartie Artie. A particularly memorable birthday was my 8th held at a West London swimming baths. Despite a number of acceptances only my best friend turned up. My parents, naturally, were pretty put out by this. I on the other hand was delighted to spend the whole afternoon with my best friend. As an aside there is nothing like a childhood no show like that to give you bullet proof self-confidence about hosting any social event in adult life.
In my teens organised parties rather dwindled with the real fuss saved for my 21st when I had three parties. A dinner at university which culminated in having to down a yard of ale, a family lunch at the Ritz and a black tie marquee dance jointly hosted at my best friend’s house, we had the invitations printed on balloons. Since then I have intermittently hosted parties for my own birthday but never has a friend suggested hosting one for me, nor I for them.
That isn’t to say that we don’t see each other, talk to each other, hike, swim and ski together or stay together. There are obviously birth dates which do require committing to memory, or at least calendars: spouses; immediate family members; godchildren (although I have to abashedly acknowledge that my wife has spared my blushes in remembering these more times than I care to confess). The remembering of birthdays may not be the most arduous task to be included within the emotional load of 21st century relationships but I know that there are many women who feel that the labours of Hercules could be more equitably delegated to Himcules.
I suppose what I would like to know is whether birthdays matter more to women than men or whether social conditioning has caused men to overlook the real pleasure that comes from having the day of your arrival into the world noted and celebrated, in the same way that men are hardly ever the recipients of flowers but are generally delighted to receive them when they do.
What do you think? Leave a comment if you like.
Such a great topic, one I’d never think to cover! I’m definitely more into it than my husband, but I also find birthdays triggering and sometimes disappointing so I wonder if the collect male species avoid so as not to feel these feelings? This isn’t a criticism as the females do loads of other stuff to avoid ie shopping (massive generalisation here) but I wonder if I am speaking too frankly but I have some vague point? Probs too early to write this but I did so enjoy your post and your other ones too.
All of the men in my life prefer to do something for each other rather than give gifts; their time is their best gift of all, surely? They practically protest when it comes to cards (even when purchased on their behalf by considerate female relatives & urged to sign) & a gift, if even given, is usually carefully chosen & wrapped by female hands.
There are always exceptions but in my experience the ‘norms’ are broken by women. I put fresh flowers on my husband’s desk regularly whilst reminding him to water the plants.
We’ve broken the habitual birthday/christmas/celebratory attitudes within our family household from the outset. Highlights have included David Shrigley ‘Fuck Off’ wrapping paper concealing a very large Net-a-Porter box for me. Gift giving is my favoured love language so it was bound to inspire reciprocal giving…eventually! Man to man gifting is another story but I do note that none of my Gay friends seem to struggle.